From today's Guardian

This is so funny. It's related to my recent blog about smoking.

Charlie Brooker's column:

"I wholeheartedly support the notion of banning smoking everywhere, for one entirely selfish reason: I've recently quit and don't want to be tempted to start again. If no one else lights up around me, I won't follow suit. Which means I'll live longer. And that's all I care about. Sod freedom of choice for smokers. Sod their poxy so-called "human rights". This is me we're talking about here. ME.

Mind you, I'm not convinced a simple ban is going to cut it. I've got a far better idea - one that's firm, fair and pretty much final. It's based on a scheme I originally conceived as an alternative to London's congestion charge, and I offer it now, to the nation, free of charge.

OK, so the congestion charge was supposed to reduce the number of cars in central London. Trouble is, it's far too complicated. There's cameras and traffic zones and text-message payment systems and blah blah blah. It costs a fortune. And you'd get better results if you replaced the whole thing with a sniper.

Yes, a sniper. Here's how it works: instead of charging people to drive through busy parts of town, you simply announce that you've paid a lone sniper to sneak around the city, hiding out on rooftops. Every month he'll blow the heads off several random motorists: a maximum of 10, say, and a minimum of five. You're free to drive where you like, as often as you please - but you're taking a calculated risk each time you do so.

You'd announce the scheme, and at first no one would believe you were serious. Indeed, you'd trade on that: perhaps nothing happens for the first couple of days. People carry on as normal. Then on day three: BAM BAM BAM. The sniper takes out not one, but THREE separate motorists, in different parts of the city. Shock, horror. Front-page news. Everyone's petrified. And the mayor simply goes on TV, shrugs his shoulders and says: "I told you so."

Bingo. You're looking at a reduction in traffic of at least 40%, overnight. Problem solved. And whenever people start getting complacent, you simply instruct the sniper to whack a celebrity or two, just to keep the story in the public eye.

Flawless. Yet the cretins in charge never tried it. Now they've got a second chance. They can use it to end smoking.

We'll need more than one sniper, of course, because we're covering the entire country. And they won't just be stationed on rooftops; they'll be going undercover, like Jack Bauer - following people into bars, pumping lead into their backs when they request change for the fag machine (we wouldn't ban fag machines - they're bait).

And we don't want any perceived "safe places" either. In the very first week, we should make a point of blasting the crap out of someone sparking up in a tent in the middle of Cumbria or something. Smokers need to realise there's nowhere to hide.

Let's change the warnings on the packs while we're about it. None of this wussy "Smoking Causes Cancer" nonsense. Just a sniper, in silhouette, and the words "HE IS WATCHING".

And once we're done with the smokers, we'll start on the fatties. That's right, blobster, I can see you. Just try reaching for that doughnut. Go ahead, punk. Make my day."